In Defense of Nervous Mothers

Before I had children and I thought about motherhood, I was determined NOT to be a nervous mother. I didn't want to inflict my own worries and fears on my children. I wanted them to live their lives to the fullest and not feel like I was hovering over them, second guessing everything about their lives and making them feel insecure. For me, that meant letting the baby take a few falls when learning to walk and not freaking out about it. That meant letting my kids deal with the natural conflicts that arise in grade-school friendships without my interference. And that certainly meant going off to activities without loads of anxiety on my part. Now I'm not so sure I was right about all of that.

I guess it's because I've been the classic nervous mother all morning and I'm feeling pretty unapologetic about it. When I was faced with FIVE weeks of Chloe being off track last month, I was worried about how I would fill her time. Without organized activity, she can be quite the handful (and that's putting it nicely). In my current state, I was worried I wouldn't be able to engage her properly. So when the local rec center sent a flier out about Super Sport Activity Camp, I felt like I had a perfect solution. Four hours a day of different sports for an extremely reasonable price can't be beat, right? I signed her up for the kindergarten group immediately and felt like a problem-solving genius.

Well, Monday was the first day. The second we drove up, I started to have second thoughts. First of all, I had to unload all three girls and drag them across a parking lot of pure ice. Chloe was afraid to be left alone there. And when she finally gave me the go ahead to leave her, Piper fell on the floor crying that she wanted to stay (and Sadie couldn't stop babbling about "going swimmings!" after spotting the pool.). All of these things were to be expected, of course, and couldn't be counted as deal breakers. But the fact that there were only four teenagers in charge of about 50 kids gave me pause. I shook off my unease and dragged the little girls away for the allotted four hours. When I came back, I was horrified to find sixth graders chucking balls at my defenseless not-even-six-year-old's head. Granted, the game that day WAS dodge ball. But all the kids altogether, kindergarten through sixth? That wasn't what I signed up for. I saw a girl not much bigger than Chloe slip out of the gym and watched her wander away without any one of the teenagers noticing (I watched her and she made it back okay, but still! The thought of Chloe wandering the center unsupervised sent a chill down my spine). Then, at the end of camp, they lined the kids up, walked them to the front door, and then released them into the parking lot (in their defense, they did say not to leave unless they saw their parents. But it was a blizzard and I highly doubt 45 of the 50 kids actually SAW their parents as they bolted through the doors). What would happen to Chloe if I were a few minutes late (which, considering the snowy roads and all the car seats I have to deal with, is entirely possible)? Suddenly the genius solution seemed like a dangerous disaster-waiting-to-happen. For the rest of Monday and all of Tuesday, I tried to shake off my worries. Chloe did have fun (despite reporting a minor head injury) and that was the point. I was just being that nervous mother I had decided years ago that I wasn't going to be!

But this morning, I woke up with a terrible feeling. I knew that I was dreading taking Chloe back to sports camp, where I had signed away all the club's liability and was potentially putting her at risk. I couldn't make myself feel better. Visions of drownings (today was swimming day), opportunistic pedophiles, and mean sixth graders saying horrible things to my baby danced through my head. After fighting these feelings for an hour, I gave in and embraced my inner nervous mother. I called the center to tell them I wanted to withdraw my daughter and get a refund. They're getting back to me, and while I'll probably have to fight pretty hard to get even a partial refund, I feel MUCH better. I was worried about breaking the news to news to Chloe, but she actually took it really well (especially when I immediately pulled out some poster board and markers for an art activity). I think I'm better off taking her to the aquarium, BounceU, the library, and the dollar movies than a sports camp where the potential hazards just wouldn't balance with the benefits in my head. If anything happened to Chloe, I just wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

So, I fulfilled my own definition of what a nervous mother is today. I'm totally being that overprotective mother hen I was determined not to be. But I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. Sure, Chloe probably would have been fine at the camp and probably nothing bad would have happened as a result of hanging out with sixth graders all day. But probably just isn't good enough for me. I didn't understand how it feels to be a mom when I made up my mind all those years ago. Since it's me against the world when it comes to my daughters' well-being, I have to go with my gut. Even if it means being a nervous mother.